me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
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Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
This is sending me to another galaxy
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
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[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.