My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
You Might Also Like
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
12. I think about this all the damn time
Favourite diary entry ever
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I laughed at this way too hard.