My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
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“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended