My husband is back from hunting. Thanks for nothing, bears.

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Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh


Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti


Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?


daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]


Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.


If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me


Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.


Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more


[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly


Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye