Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My husband is back from hunting. Thanks for nothing, bears.
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Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye