@living_DEDgirl

My husband is back from hunting. Thanks for nothing, bears.

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@YuckyTom

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

@gruffybeard

Me: *walking through office with a big smile on my face*

Coworker: Wow, you sure do have a lot of pep in your step today! You get lucky last night?

[Flashback to that morning when I found 3 Doritos in my robe pocket getting out of shower]

Me: Yes.

@HatfieldAnne

I walk in the kitchen just as you drop the pork roast on the floor. No one will know, you say. My only question is how many other times have you done this.

@Mardigroan

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

@david8hughes

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

@TheTweetOfGod

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

@RealDMK

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

@Mostly_Cheese

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

@osigat

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

@ChicksRule

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait