My husband is back from hunting. Thanks for nothing, bears.

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“I’m single by choice” I whisper to the pizza delivery guy as he hands me my change.


There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.


People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.


I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”


Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune


dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?


She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.