Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
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CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
True freaking story!
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…