My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
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There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed