girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
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doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*