My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
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This might be the funniest tweet ever
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
More like Kate Missington.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2