My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
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I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.