My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
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⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.