My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
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I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Netflix and scream at our children?!
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.