My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
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Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms