My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
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Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?