My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
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Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs