My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?