Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
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*hears Siren’s song*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*
I’m here, Mistress.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
ME: What tattoo should I get?
TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection.
ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.
Katana is Japanese for “sword”. In Japan they have great respect for swords and their moms dont knock them off the wall while vacuuming
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Daughter is acting so rude I’m not sure she’s even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube’s comments section.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
me: I just left and I already miss you
wife *typing response*
me: (can you read that to the dog for me)