“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
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According to my Ex, we only had 2 problems:
2. Not her.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Something terrible has happened here.
Air Bud: who’s the new guy
Clifford: idk but he’s cute
[earlier that day]
Scooby Doo: *texting and driving*
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.