My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
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Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Always the camel, never the toe.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion