My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
You Might Also Like
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask