I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
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Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?