My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
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I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Hell yeah 👍
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Sheep
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.