My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
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My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
yeah not falling for this one
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I would like even faster food.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
do horses think humans are hats
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ