My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
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My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
ok like just. call me at this point
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time