Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
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Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!
Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
3. _tra large portion of fries
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I’m no gynecologist, but I’ll take a look.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I see you are eating seafood at a midwest Chinese buffet. I, too, like to live dangerously.