My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

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Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti


Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.


Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*


my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife


Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it


Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.


So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.


I see you are eating seafood at a midwest Chinese buffet. I, too, like to live dangerously.