My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
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My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.