My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
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Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”