My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

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my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office


Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age


Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.


To the first designer to make skirts so tight that a slit had to be added to the back: Good job.

Flip flop guy: Go stand in the corner.


Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!


Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong


Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?



M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!


7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.


*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*


I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.