my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
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Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
To the first designer to make skirts so tight that a slit had to be added to the back: Good job.
Flip flop guy: Go stand in the corner.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.