My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
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I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
fired
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
m’lady
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
[shakes fist at other fist]
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.