@Lisabug74

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

You Might Also Like

@harriweinreb

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

@iwearaonesie

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

@citizenkawala

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

@Rockenden

To the first designer to make skirts so tight that a slit had to be added to the back: Good job.

Flip flop guy: Go stand in the corner.

@HomeWithPeanut

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

@MarlonBrandNO

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

@Gupton68

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

@outsmartedmommy

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

@krismuscookie

*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*

@tesselatrix

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.