@UnfilteredMama

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

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@mela_shea

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

@hamersauce

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

@JoshVeyssi

McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.

@mattZillaaaa

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

@drinksmcgee

Top 3 ways to kill Werewolves:

3. Kill them in human form
2. Shoot them with a silver bullet
1. Feed them chocolate

@justinbieber

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

@MarfSalvador

[Desert island]
Me: JANE!
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!
J: HEEEEEEEEELP!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats

@stephenjmolloy

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

@XplodingUnicorn

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.