Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
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Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.