My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
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The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
This is amazing.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.