My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
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“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
john wicks are toilet candles
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows