My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
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[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Saw your ex at the shops
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face