My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

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Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.


Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.


I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”


*putting kid to bed*

Me: Goodnight, buddy, I love you.
Sleep tight.

7yo: Dad, you have to make sugar cookies to bring to class tomorrow. Goodnight!


Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.


My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.


Interviewer: You’re hired..

Me: Thank you so much! You won’t live to regret this..

Interviewer: What?

Me: huh?


When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.


What the hell do you mean Buzzfeed isn’t a reliable news source, it knew exactly what kind of pancake I’d be


Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.