@TheOnlyMommaG

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

You Might Also Like

@PinkCamoTO

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

@darksidedeb

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

@chrisdelia

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

@DadandBuried

*putting kid to bed*

Me: Goodnight, buddy, I love you.
Sleep tight.

7yo: Dad, you have to make sugar cookies to bring to class tomorrow. Goodnight!

@Not0nDrugs

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

@JUSTLisandra

My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.

@ThaJawn

Interviewer: You’re hired..

Me: Thank you so much! You won’t live to regret this..

Interviewer: What?

Me: huh?

@Social_Mime

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

@DaddyJew

What the hell do you mean Buzzfeed isn’t a reliable news source, it knew exactly what kind of pancake I’d be

@WarrenHolstein

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.