My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
You Might Also Like
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.