My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
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[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
they finally got him. they got macavity
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.