My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
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Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.