My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.