my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
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Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Confused owl: What?!
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why