my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

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oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun


I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.


INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.


I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.


Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?


“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”


Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”


been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that


They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.


I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow