@notmythirdrodeo

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

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@aparnapkin

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

@LostFelicia

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

@HansGrubertron

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

@Nahdude83

I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.

@Wussawilla

Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?

@VeroniKaboom

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

@Lisabug74

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

@GrantTanaka

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

@tropicalenvy

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

@CakeThrottle

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow