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I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
This is my favorite one of these!
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”