@SondraDeeMe

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

You Might Also Like

@lmwortho

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him.

Don’t tell him I have more than one pair.

@senorwinces

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

@FForEffort1

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

@BobTheSuit

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

@comes_night

Do you ever think hell is full and so the rest of us came back then made a twitter account?

@chuuew

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

@ericsshadow

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.