@lmwortho
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
@SondraDeeMe
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
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@lmwortho
@KateWhineHall
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
@WhaJoTalkinBout
Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him.
Don’t tell him I have more than one pair.
@senorwinces
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
@FForEffort1
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
@BobTheSuit
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
@comes_night
Do you ever think hell is full and so the rest of us came back then made a twitter account?
@chuuew
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
@adamgreattweet
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
@ericsshadow
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.