My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
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Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I’m being attacked 😭
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Mad Max Arctic Road
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
My dad.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.