My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
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Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Hey Fugeddaboutit
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My dream job is getting paid to dream
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.