My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
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who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Cat.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
My Guy
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Care for your back