“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
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Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
[ATM, with a line of people behind me]
Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?
A tiny Tarzan swinging from your Tampon string.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.