@graceupongracie

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

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@Reverend_Scott

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

@madisonbosil

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

@Book_Krazy

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

@Mr_Kapowski

[ATM, with a line of people behind me]

Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?

@jctwritesstuff

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

@schlimp

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

@WilliamAder

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.