My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
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You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Go girl power!
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count