@LaLa_Lyds

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

@ClassADude

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

@jonnysun

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

@just1fool

“Do you wanna build a snowman?”

“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”

*Pulls out carrot

“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”

@Ndeshi_M

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

@AimeeHelene1

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

@Elizasoul80

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

@Shelts99

If you’ve watched the scene in Platoon where he gets shot in the back 44 times.

You’ve pretty much seen my reaction to a wedding invite.

@flashember

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

@lenadunham

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.