@LaLa_Lyds

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

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@Sickayduh

[Phone rings]
Babysitter: Hello?
Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs.
Babysitter: Wha.. What’s upstairs?
Dude: NOT MUCH, STAIRS, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

@Sorrowscopes

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

@chagger73

Going down on a woman is the best.

The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…

@MollySneed

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

@UnFitz

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

@AaronFullerton

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

@alexlumaga

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

@VodkaThursday

I got an email from Olga. She thinks I’m sweet & “longs for finding a special person for serious relations”. So there’s always that.

@SadPeruna

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?