I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
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Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”