My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets