@LurkAtHomeMom

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

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@Donna_McCoy

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

@ChristianMingel

Trained psychologists: “Hitting your kids can cause them to be violent adults”

Twitter genius: “I was hit and I never turned out violent. That’s why I can’t wait to hit my own kids when I get them”

@IndecisiveJones

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

@Megatronic13

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

@bonehugsnirony

[someone compliments me]
Me: thanks
Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything
Me: please don’t
Brain: lol yes

@Desert_Musings

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

@SarahKSilverman

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

@amazymay72x

Me: Will you-
Hubs: No
Me: Can you-
Hubs: Nope
Me: Are you-
Hubs: Oh no
Me: Sex?
Hubs: Yes
Me: Oh hell no…..

Communication is important.