My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

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me: i’m terrified of socialism

therapist: thanks for sharing

me: [screams]


Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”


“Who am I?” – Descartes.
“Why am I?” – Camus.
“What am I?” – Chopped Liver.


“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.


You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.


Easiest way to break into a moble home in a trailer park is to use a can opener.


Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy


do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?


Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.


Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.