My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
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when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper