@YourMomsucksTho

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

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@Cpt_Burnout

REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.

BOOM.

@Jazzzzzmina

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

@fillthevacuum

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

@DurtMcHurtt

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

@gvicks

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

@turtledumplin

Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he’s going to the clinic for a ‘work related’ injury.

@CulturedRuffian

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

@Sassafrantz

Just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. It’s called Facebook.

@iwearaonesie

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*