My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
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As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I’m throwing a party and it should be fantastic. I bought three bottles of vodka, made a great music playlist, and didn’t invite any people.
I still don’t understand why people say marriage is so hard when I’ve successfully completed 2 of them…
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what