My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

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Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.


Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.


Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.


Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*


Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.


to stop shrinking
???? ?? ?? ???? ??
?? ???? ?? ???????? ??????


I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.


Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.


Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend