@Donna_McCoy

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

You Might Also Like

@MouthyMess

Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.

@Rebelling_Jyn

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

@3sunzzz

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

@steeve_again

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

@andreahardy33

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

@benicus_rex

WHAT DO WE WANT
to stop shrinking
???? ?? ?? ???? ??
?? ???? ?? ???????? ??????

@SkipsAhoi

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

@AmericanGent69

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

@mattytalks

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend