My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
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Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.