@Divergentmama

My husband leaves town for a week: see ya!

I leave town for a week: here’s the kids pickup and dropoff times at school, all 3 practice schedules, doctors and dentist appointments, shopping list, dinner menu and PLEASE DONT FORGET TO FEED THE KIDS.

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@TheBoydP

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

@BobTheSuit

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

@joshgondelman

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

@ThatBrenna

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

@Browtweaten

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

@AshaRangappa_

If you can’t find groceries, make friends with Indian-Americans. Like literally just show up at their house and they’ll feed you.

@HenpeckedHal

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

@nickwiger

The physicians choice for headaches induced by choppy streaming video playback