@TheBoydP
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
@Divergentmama
My husband leaves town for a week: see ya!
I leave town for a week: here’s the kids pickup and dropoff times at school, all 3 practice schedules, doctors and dentist appointments, shopping list, dinner menu and PLEASE DONT FORGET TO FEED THE KIDS.
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@TheBoydP
@BobTheSuit
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
@NewDadNotes
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
@joshgondelman
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
@weinerdog4life
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
@ThatBrenna
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
@Browtweaten
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
@AshaRangappa_
If you can’t find groceries, make friends with Indian-Americans. Like literally just show up at their house and they’ll feed you.
@HenpeckedHal
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
@nickwiger
The physicians choice for headaches induced by choppy streaming video playback
