I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My husband leaves town for a week: see ya!
I leave town for a week: here’s the kids pickup and dropoff times at school, all 3 practice schedules, doctors and dentist appointments, shopping list, dinner menu and PLEASE DONT FORGET TO FEED THE KIDS.
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Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
If you can’t find groceries, make friends with Indian-Americans. Like literally just show up at their house and they’ll feed you.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
The physicians choice for headaches induced by choppy streaming video playback