[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
You Might Also Like
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
6. me as a lawyer
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣