said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My husband leaves water glasses lying around like he’s preparing for an invasion of water sensitive aliens.
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[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Recipe: One small clove of garlic.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.