My husband leaves water glasses lying around like he’s preparing for an invasion of water sensitive aliens.

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said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it


[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”


Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?


Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.


Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.


American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!


All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.