My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
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Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.