My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
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Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.